Nicholas’s Review of Gay Porn

I never thought I’d be able to get into gay porn, but actually it’s pretty alright once you watch some of it. For three hours a day. Every day for a month.

The thing is, I’m straight, right, so I’m not really the best guy to be reviewing gay porn as a genre. Isaac was supposed to do it but he didn’t want to, so instead he’s…somewhere else, doing…why am I being vague about this? He’s under the desk sucking me off while I write this for him. I’m taking my time on purpose. I don’t think he’ll mind.

I know we’re normally supposed to warn for spoilers in these, but I think in this case it’s safe to pass that by. It’s porn. They all have orgasms in the end.

The first thing that I noticed about gay porn when I watched it that’s different from straight porn is that the guys look different. Like, I can’t super explain it, but I guess there’s a slightly different body type, or maybe just a different way of acting. Which I guess is fair and everything, since the guys in gay porn are the point and the guys in straight porn aren’t really there for you to actually pay much attention to since straight porn is all about the male gaze. I guess gay porn is all about the male gaze too, but like, the gay male gaze? Which I guess is less crappy? Isaac would probably tell me for sure if his mouth wasn’t full.

I guess the sex part is pretty much the same except with two dudes instead of a dude and a lady, so that’s fine. It’s not like it’s super realistic or anything, which I can confirm because I’ve done this enough times and been to enough of Isaac’s parties that I know what dude-on-dude sex looks like. There’s a lot of bad sex manners like shoving people into stuff or not really doing enough foreplay, and nobody really uses enough lube, but like I said, it’s not like straight porn is super realistic either, so whatever. It’s meant to be a fantasy, right?

I feel like by and large the stories of gay porn aren’t as good as the ones in straight porn? Like usually it’s just dudes fucking with no real context, which is what straight porn is also like, but I don’t know, I feel like they rely more on just the hot dudes than straight porn does. Maybe that’s just me, though.

I have to say, my favourite trope (genre?) in gay porn is the one where a straight dude gets ‘turned gay’ by some hot gay dudes who fuck him in a locker room or whatever. Like, as a straight dude who has been fucked by hot gay dudes in a locker room more than once, I want to set the record extremely straight: that doesn’t work. After having sex with some dudes, you’re not magically gay, you’re just a straight dude with a healthy appreciation for anal. Also, it’s kind of bi erasure, isn’t it? Like, why doesn’t the straight dude ever realize that he’s bisexual? Anyway, it’s hilarious. I also just kind of love the idea that some random straight dude will just be up for taking it up the ass because some hot guys touched his dick. I mean, I’m willing to do it, and sure, I like it, but only after I topped Isaac like fifty times. It was a whole process of convincing me. Anyway, that’s the trope I think is the best, because it’s just so funny.

I think that’s the thing I like about gay porn more than straight porn. It’s usually funnier than straight porn, at least in my experience. And it’s pretty hot—I mean, even I can get off to it, so it must be—but I also laugh at it a lot, which I don’t normally do with straight porn. And I remember someone telling me once that laughter and sex were connected in your brain, so maybe on that front gay porn is actually better?

There’s not really any point in deciding which one is better, to be fair. I mean, some people are going to be into straight porn and some people are going to be into gay porn and that’s fine and all. It’s all porn in the end and like, the human brain is kind of wired to get horny if it sees people having sex no matter what their parts look like. Honestly it’s about time that we realized that gay and straight porn is called that because of what kind of stuff is happening in it, not necessarily who it’s for. Straight people can watch gay porn too.

Plus it has a lot of the same problems, like it convinces people that a certain type of sex and a certain type of relationship to sex is normal, it really codifies sex roles in a way that’s kind of gross, it creates an unrealistic body standard, that sort of thing. I’m going to say that it’s probably less crappy than straight porn because it’s not existing in a culture of misogyny and rape culture, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. I do, for that reason, though, like to watch gay porn sometimes just because I feel less like a dirtbag about it, if that makes sense? Not that there’s anything wrong with watching straight porn, but sometimes it’s hard to just jerk off and forget that rape culture is a thing.

And not that rape culture isn’t a thing for gay people too and everything, but…whatever, you get what I’m trying to say. Gay porn is less sexist than straight porn. Go watch some.

I’ve been slowly writing this for about five hours now and I’m starting to get incoherent, so I guess I’ll end it here and give Isaac a break (just kidding he promised we could fuck after I was done). So yeah, I have to say that I highly recommend gay porn to all straight guys like me. Try it, I think you’ll really like it.