Owen’s Review of Underwear

Wait, there are other underwear aside from jockstraps?

I’m just fucking with you, I knew that there were other kinds of underwear out there. Originally I was just going to review jockstraps, but on reflection, it seemed fair to actually just review all the different kinds of underwear, so I wore each of the major kinds of undies for a full week to give the pros and cons of each of them.

I’m only commenting on what it’s like to wear them, to be clear, not on what they look like on other people (who are Gavin), because that would have spoiled the objectivity of the rankings.

Briefs: A great standby if you’re a kid, but also fine if you’re older. Pros are that they sometimes come with cool patterns and in nice colours, tend to breathe easy. They keep everything in place and are comfortable. Best kind of underwear to pull up on someone else if you’d just finished fucking them in a mall bathroom or something. The Y-front is a fun idea. The cons are that nobody has ever used a Y-front, they tend to get tight fast if you bone up, and all your friends make fun of you for wearing them. Also not everyone looks cute in them. If you’re going to wear them, go for the bikini cut.

Boxers: Great graduation from briefs, though in my experience they’re great when you’re thirteen and then less so later. The pros are that they’re nice and comfortable, everyone respects you if you wear them, they’re a pretty generic dude underwear. And they can come with sports teams on them and are pretty cheap, so that’s good. Plus, they’re good at concealing boners and if you’re at home you can wear them without pants because they’re just shorts, so nobody can nag you for not being dressed. Cons are that if you do that and you’ve owned them for more than a month, the chances of your dick falling out of the fly are pretty high, which I guess is less of a con if you’re around people who aren’t worried about that. The other major con is that they don’t support anything, so doing any kind of athletics in them is a bad call.

Boxer Briefs: Honestly these are just briefs again but with thighs in them, so I guess briefs for modest people? You look like less of a little boy in them, I guess, so that’s a pro, plus my ass looks amazing in them. Cons are that they’re too tight, and unlike briefs they’re hard to adjust. I’m not supposed to comment on looks, but Gavin also looks pretty hot in them.

Jockstraps: These are hands down the best underwear. Pros are that everyone looks like a million bucks in them, they’re guaranteed to get you laid, they do great things to your ass, they support your junk when you’re sportsing, you can put a protector in them in case you get kicked, and if you bend over wearing one you’re basically guaranteed to get your ass stuffed by your boyfriend. There are a few cons, mostly that they’re tight and boning up in them is a challenge, and they’re hard to pull the front down if you’re having a lunchtime quickie or a between-class blowjob, but overall worth the hassle, these are my recommended underwear for anyone with a cock.

Thongs: Fun for a few hours, but tedious after that. These guys are way too tight for me. Pros are that they’re hot and people’s expressions when they seem them are hilarious, and you’re going to get like, five blowjobs a day in them, minimum. Cons are the tightness, the fact that if you’re above average in the sword department you’re going to have a hard time fitting, especially once you get hard, and they’re going to wedgie really hard. Not recommended for daily use, great for a fun few hours.

G-Strings: Basically just a thong but with less fabric all around and none in the ass. All the same pros and cons, with one additional pro, which is that you can and will get fucked in the ass without taking it off. One additional con is that you can and will get slapped on the bare ass in the locker room at every opportunity. Also, the dick not fitting problem extended to the balls with his one.

Lacy Panties: Surprisingly comfortable some of the time and nice and lightweight, but not great for heavy use. Huge pros are that your boyfriend literally won’t be able to keep his hands off of you, you’ll end up feeling super confident in your masculinity, weirdly. Plus you look obscenely hot with your cock sticking out the top, and you get the fun locker room feeling of having all your straight friends stare at you and get confused straight friend boners. Cons are that they’re made for cis ladies, so there’s just no dick room at all, I find they get kinda tangled easily, and your friends in the locker room absolutely are going to laugh and make rude comments at least the first time, and they’ll assume that your boyfriend made you wear them or that you lost a bet. I find they also itch after a while. A fun experiment, though.

Loincloths: I wore a Japanese loincloth for this and it was overall a meh experiment for me. Pros are that it’s cool and fits really nice, but cons are that it’s hard to tie so you need help the first few days (thanks Darby), and also I’m white so I kind of just felt racist or at least like a huge weeb. But mostly kind of just racist. Which I know it probably isn’t, but that’s how I felt anyway.

Commando: Going all-natural is also a great option, supported by all of my furry nudist sons. And it is a pretty great option, I have to admit. Pros are that you do less laundry, you feel like you’re asserting dominance whenever you’re changing around people, getting naked for sex is super easy, and you always feel like you know something other people don’t know. It does have some big cons, mainly that you have to wash your pants more often. Plus there’s no support at all, obviously, and it limits what pants you can wear (zippers are a bad call), and unless you’re wearing super roomy pants, everyone can basically see your dick all the time, which maybe is a pro for you. You get no cover at all if you bone up, and any drops of anything that might normally get caught by your underwear are going to be super obvious. Recommended for just sitting around your house or running simple errands, I’d say.

Basically wear whatever you think is comfortable and whatever suits the occasion. It’s really not like there’s an objective ranking of underwear, though in my opinion, there are few occasions that don’t call for a jock.

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