Friday Lore Post: Things Peacock Doesn’t Want You Knowing

Instead of the usual boring post about “hey wouldn’t you like to know the history of this pile of rocks, but I’m only going to hint at the real interesting parts!” that our third-favourite bird likes to post in this spot, I decided to take over this week and give you guys something juicy. So here are a couple of things that Peacock doesn’t want you to know. 

First off, the lion—remember Shiny’s lion? You’ve seen it wayyy more times than you think. It doesn’t get around as much as you might think, but you’ve seen it a good amount of times. It’s kind of hanging around not far from a lot of your other little friends, so maybe keep an eye out if you don’t mind not having all your eyes in your body.

You don’t seem impressed. What’s wrong, not secrety enough for you? Okay, how about if I tell you about the mysterious other grandcum that Spyboy teased you about? Once upon a time, before you all were watching our every thrust, a king ran away from the setting sun and gave a dick present to a lady who wasn’t a queen. When has it ever mattered to a king that some woman was married already, right? And thus was born a secret baby, though I guess the baby wasn’t so secret, now was it? It’s fine, not like it was the only time someone in that particular family had a daddy who wasn’t their real daddy, you know? 

How about we go a little further back than that, huh? How about I tell you about the time when our favourite eight-legged general and its boyfriend decided that working together wasn’t the best way to work together? That was a fun one, watching them split the world apart just so they could win a game they didn’t even know the rules of. I had a good long laugh at that one. Nah, I probably shouldn’t tell you about that one. You’re tired of hearing about guys fucking dragons by now, right? Peacocks really been hammering that one home over the last little while. Boring, right?

Oh, oh, I know! We’ll go back even more and talk about the time all the thunder fell down! That was a great moment. Now, I have to be real with you—I wasn’t there. But I sure felt it from where I was and boy oh boy was it something. I’m not sure there’s ever been such a spicy pot of ingredients all gathered in the same place like that, with a nice strong hand to stir them up. Now I know what you’ve heard—the big bad gods tricked the poor sad humans, and the really really bad gods even tricked their stupider buddies. But well, there was a whole other layer of chips on top of even that little morsel. You see, those gods of yours, they went and listened to their own friends and you should always be a little skeptical when elves give you a suggestion. You never know where they’re getting their information from. 

Oh, but this part’s boring, because I wasn’t there. Should we go even farther back to a part where I was? Let’s talk about the big old war between me and my friends and the guys who wanted to be gods! That was a riot, that. I managed to trick a ton of my buddies into getting themselves killed, which got them out of my way, so I was pretty happy with the outcome. It worked out pretty okay for the home team too, since, well, their three teams became one team, now didn’t they? At least for a little while, but hey, teams change all the time. You can’t be surprised that a grand alliance of people who all thought they were the most important people in the universe ended up all trying to kill each other. 

Further back than that, even? How about the very first time I set foot on this world? Now that was fun. I wasn’t the first one here, of course, there were already tons of folks around. But I hitchhiked on the backs of some, well, I guess the word is aliens, not to get too sci-fi on you, and discovered his brave new world when they did. Boldly going where no centipede had gone before, and all that. And I have to say I’m glad I did, because the place I’d been staying before…whew, that wasn’t very fun. 

Oh, what about before I was on this planet? What about before the gods or anything else, even? You know that statue under the south pole, the one that Whistle got a good look at? It’s really important that it’s at the south pole, because that’s not where the south pole was until the statue got put there. I know what you’re thinking—oh, it’s another one of Scotty’s cousins. But nope, this is something totally different, and totally native to this planet, too. If I get my way and eat everything, it wouldn’t be the first apocalypse this place has had, I think. 

The first time I happened into this universe? Oh, that’s not very interesting. There’s a membrane between our worlds and at some point someone poked a hole in it. Wasn’t me, I swear. I don’t care enough about that to talk about it more. 

Oh, what about the very start of the universe? Well, you’ve heard of the Right Hand by now, so that’s not interesting to you anymore. And I don’t imagine there’s any point in telling you that a Right Hand obviously has a Left Hand? And what did they do? They clapped. I hear the noise was incredible. Oh, and of course, not to disrupt chronology too much, but you might have been wondering, why does the Right Hand keep getting reincarnated on this one planet? That’s a really good question. It probably has something to do with the Left Hand holding it there. But anyway!

What comes before the very start of the universe? Oh, tons of shit. I could tell you who the hands belong to, or what was happening before the clap, or what’s going on with the Dick of Creation, which I know you’re all curious about. Okay, lets see…once before a time…

Oh, man, a thousand? That seems like a lot of consecutive words for a human to pay attention to. I guess I’d better let Peacock have the wheel back so he can spin it around all this. You guys have fun! I’ll be watching! 

End Process//SCOLOPENDRA.hijack/🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛