Darby’s Review of WolfCop

Every so often, a movie comes along that defines a generation. Casablanca. Schindler’s List. Zombeavers. For this generation, that movie is WolfCop.

WolfCop is a movie about a werewolf who is a cop. And I know what you’re thinking: all cops are bastards and are tools of the White supremacist state wielded to oppress minorities, but it turns out that there is one good cop, and it’s WolfCop.

This review is going to have major spoilers for WolfCop, which is a cinematic masterpiece of our time, so if you’re okay with that, proceed at your own risk.

The plot of WolfCop is that Lou Garou (loup garou French for werewolf, that’s a subtle bilingual joke you might have missed), a cop, get kidnapped by a cult while investigating the murder of a local mayoral candidate and turned into a werewolf. Then he fights crime while being a werewolf and dismembers a bunch of drug dealers, and then the cult of evil shapeshifting lizard people tries to kill him, so he kills them too.

Now, I’ve seen what my parents might call a sexually inappropriate number of werewolf movies (just kidding my parents are the best and they let me jerk off to as many movies as I want), so I know a lot about this genre. Believe me when I saw WolfCop does it best. Lou is an alcoholic loser who sucks at being a cop, so when he gets turned into a werewolf it’s obviously a blessing (which it always is), but it takes him a long time to figure that out. It’s probably because he gets scared when he first transforms into a werewolf in the bathroom in his local bar, in a vividly imagined masterpiece of special effects where we get to see his human dick turn into a wolf dick right before our very eyes! Then he dismembers a bunch of mobsters and it’s okay because they were there to kill him for no reason.

After that he’s hanging out with his sketchy friend Willy, who is the only person who knows he’s a werewolf, and who encourages him to be safe and control himself by putting him in a cage and stuff, which you should never do with a werewolf, that’s just mean. But this is where the best part of the movie happens. Lou transforms again in a super cool scene where all his skin rips off, and then because he’s in the police station, he hears about crimes that are happening so he goes to fight those crimes because he’s committed to justice, which is how you know he’s not a real cop. And then he goes and kills all the robbers at the liquor store! Which is really not how you should deal with people robbing a store, maybe they were just trying to feed their families liquor, but still, it’s super cool and it’s okay because he’s a werewolf.

In the middle of this part of the movie is a montage where Lou takes his car to an autobody shop and turns it into the WolfCopMobile, which is awesome! I don’t really care about cars because I’m not straight or in my seventies, but I definitely thought the WolfCopMobile was really awesome! And then he goes to a meth lab orgy and kills all the meth dealers! He rips a guy’s whole face off! And pulls someone’s arm off by accident! And the whole meth lab explodes! And then he goes back to the police station and had werewolf sex with the sexy bartender lady, which seems super weird at first, since it’s kind of impossible to be a werewolf and also be straight, but it’s okay because it turns out that she’s an immortal genderless lizard monster in disguise.

Then there’s a big fight scene at the end where Lou and his partner Tina, who isn’t a werewolf, fight all the lizard people and their gangster cronies during a solar eclipse and all the badguys die and the day is saved thanks to lycanthropy, which checks out. This part of the movie had slightly more guns than necessary when there was a whole werewolf right there, but that’s okay. It also had the thing where the female hero and the female villain fight, which is stupid. But other than that it was great!

You really have to watch this movie yourself to see how perfect it all is, but in addition to a lot of good fight scene and werewolf stuff, there’s also symbolism and stuff if you like that. Like, the evil immortal lizard people are disguised as the chief of police and the mayor and the local mob boss, which is a commentary on how various institutional organizations are all secretly allied with one another to oppress everyone else, and the distinction between the police and the mob and the government really not being as strong as it seems. So really it’s a movie about vigilance and why it’s important to be critical of institutions, because they’re really all more interested in protecting their own interests than the interests of any ordinary people and/or werewolves. There’s also a commentary on alcoholism, and how when Lou drinks alcohol he gets superpowers, but also the alcohol drinking is why nobody likes him and he’s bad at his job. The alcohol is a metaphor for homosexuality, because this is a werewolf movie, so there must be a metaphor for homosexuality somewhere, and notably Lou’s relationship with his (apparently) male friend Willy (who turns out to be a lizard person) is the most significant and meaningful relationship he has, and also features a lot of Willy caging Lou and filming him and trying to make him undress and stuff, because the best werewolves are also into kink.

Also, the movie is filmed in Regina, which is representative of the fact that Saskatchewan is a dangerous, drug-ridden wasteland of crime and lizard people.

I’m pretty sure the balance on my emergency credit card is higher than the box office gross of WolfCop, but that’s okay because money is for humans and all great things are underappreciated in their time. You should definitely watch WolfCop if you like wolves, werewolves, movies, or things that are good. This is destined to be the movie that defines our cinematic landscape for decades, so it’s best to get in on the ground floor so you don’t miss out.