Malachi’s Review of Fifty Shades of Grey

This was…oh man, my mom is going to kill me if she finds out I watched this.

Fifty Shades of Grey is the human pornographic movie that convinced me that humans actually are hornier than dragons. It’s about a young woman who lets a man be in a position of sexual and financial dominance over her, and it’s, uh. It’s really good.

This review is going to talk about the ending of Fifty Shades of Grey and about some of the stuff that happens in the other two movies, so if you care about that more than the horny parts, that’s on you.

The plot of Fifty Shades of Grey is that Anastasia Steele meets a super rich human man named Christian Grey, and they have sex. Now, since he’s super rich, this makes sense. But instead of her beating the shit out of him and fucking him until she’s satisfied, she instead lets him tie her up and do whatever he wants to her. And then instead of dismembering him later, she just lets him keep doing it, and even though she occasionally tells him she doesn’t like it, he just keeps doing it to her.

All three movies are like this, and then when I read the three books, they’re even more like this. There’s some other shit that happens, but none of it matters because the sex is the main point of the movie. There’s a lot of it for a human movie, and they show more of it than most human movies do. They still don’t show everything, like you hardly get to see Christian Grey’s dick, but to be fair that might be because it’s kind of small and besides, he’s not the point of the movie.

In this movie, Anastasia just lets Christian completely run her life and do whatever he wants to her because he’s rich and she thinks he’s handsome, and that’s so interesting. I was completely riveted by this the whole time because I just kept expecting her to turn the tables and dominate the crap out of him and take all his money and then find a guy with a bigger dick to fuck, but that’s just not what happened at any point.

I didn’t think it was possible for a relationship between a man and a woman to work this way. Like, obviously in a normal relationship no man would ever have that much power over his partner, but the film makes it work and makes it pretty believable. Like, you can really believe that Anastasia wants to be dominated and controlled by Christian, and that he feels safe doing that to her because he knows he’s really making her happy. In that way, it’s clear that she still has all the real power in the relationship, because ultimately even though it seems like it was all his idea, she’s really the one with the power to make it stop.

I watched this movie with my brother and we were both completely stuck watching it. We watched all three of them in a row and neither of us really knew what to say because they were just so amazing. And then we went to go have supper with our mom and it was actually so awkward because you know, there’s no way we could ever tell her what we’d spent the day watching, she’d literally kill us.

I always thought humans were kind of boring when it came to sex, you know, because they don’t have that much of it and in most of the other movies I’ve watched they never really show anything that sexy. But Fifty Shades of Grey convinced me that humans are actually fucked in the head. I don’t know if real humans get up to subversive dangerous stuff like this when they’re fucking, but it’s made me want to spend time with them and find out.

This movie also comes from a different world, so maybe it’s just that the humans there are different or something, but yeah. I’m technically half human but it was watching this that made me change my perspective on humans a lot. Michael says that this movie was a really big deal when it came out because of the sex in it, which I guess makes sense considering how obviously scandalous it is. The kind of imagination that went into something like this is really impressive, and even though Michael told me that this kind of sex is pretty normal among humans, I’ve never seen anything like it, and I don’t think he even realized how hot it could be.

Like, just imagine a world where instead of women doing whatever they wanted to men all the time, it was the other way around you know? I actually couldn’t have imagined that until I saw Fifty Shades of Grey, so I’d say that this movie really broadened my horizons really intensely, it introduced me to a whole new world of horny shit.

I know that fantasy isn’t reality and that imagining being able to tie a woman up and do what I want to her doesn’t mean I should actually try to do it, though. That’s basically suicide, but it’s really fun to imagine and it’s possible that Michael and I have maybe spent a few hours talking about what it would be like to do this in real life. I guess it is a real thing that humans do, not just a fantasy, but it seems like blurring that line would be super dangerous. Still, though, if it’s possible to do, I might like to try it.

Just not, you know, as long as my mom doesn’t find out about it.