Character Profile: Bob

Name: Roberto C. Johnson

Aliases/AKAs: Bob, Naughty Bobby, Sky Eater

Title(s): Lieutenant, Temporal Bureau Department of Temporal Law Enforcement

Hair Colour: Black

Eye Colour: Dark blue

Height: 145 cm

Weight: 40 kg

Build: Stocky

Distinguishing Marks: Temporary tattoo on his balls

Implants: Multi-lingual translation implant in his cerebral cortex (standard Bureau issue); Data storage implant in his hippocampus (standard Bureau issue with adaptations); Hormone and cellular growth control implant in his pituitary gland; Light-adapting implants in both retinae; Galactic map implant in both ears (standard Bureau issue with adaptations); DNA analysis implant in his tongue (standard Bureau issue with adaptations, nonstandard placement); Site-to-site mental interface implant on his upper spinal cord; Weapons locker implant on his right scapula (standard Bureau issue); Weapons locker implant under his left nipple; Unireader connectivity implant in his palm (standard Bureau issue), Temporal travel implant in his right arm, strength-boosting implants in arms, hands, torso, legs and feet (standard Bureau issue with adaptations); Environmental adaptive fusion reactor in his spleen; Cellular regenerative implant in his liver; Condensed antimatter reactor core in his (second) liver; Quantum storage locker implant in his right hip; Auto-lubricating implant in his anus; Subconscious thought transcriber in his left small toe; 62 others

Dick Size: Above average

Armoury Size: Massive

Relationships (Romantic and/or Sexual): Cal (boyfriend/owner, multiple timelines), Wes, Mick, Sully, Travis, Joey, Beatrice, Lillian, Ray, Jace, Jet (owners, Earth), Giacomo DiSheere (partner, timeline unknown), Michael (co-worker) and Malachi (close friend, Nova), Nuka Little, Maple Song, Dream Fox, Cato Manius (fellow treasured boys, Nova) Danny, Bradley and Mickey (teammates, vers-41)  

Family Relationships: Emma Carpenter-Johnson (mother, Earth) and Rûpa Crowson (father, Nova), Millicent Johnson and Edwin Carpenter (grandparents, Earth), Crow and Raiya Talan (grandparents, Nova), Robby Johnson and Erik Carpenter (great uncles, Earth), Mads Marlonson and Nuka Little (great uncles, Nova), Kelvin Fluffypaws (captain), Nadrakan H-vk, Mn-Nm, Kolwn North, Z,via Nel, Eureka Spectre, Kalkon, Eveni 5, The Tall One, Topiary Joe, Rkaakr, Soplin Meit, Ruby, Aquarian Wenemel IIV, Choppy the Murder Bear, Ogg Firemaker (squad), Rhonda Peregrine (mentor), Syber Python (nemesis/stalker), The Department of Temporal Law Enforcement (department)

Sexuality: Pansexual, submissive

Preferred Positions: On the floor

Kinks: Dehumanization, fisting, humiliation

Orgies Attended: The Great Pelican Bay Orgy, Brat Pack Orgies, Blood Cliff Dragon Orgies, Zeta Plan Guest Orgies, Temporal Fluxing Orgies, The Stag Keep Orgy, many others

Bio: Born in the city of Hannover approximately twenty years before his mother and approximately six thousand years before his father, Bob is raised by his parents, who are temporal diplomats, across several timelines. Forbidden from using his parents’ time machines without permission, Bob instead takes one of them apart, learns how it works, and then builds himself a better one. At this point, an older version of himself appears and tells him some very critical information about the survival of his species and helps him falsify some of his records, and Bob joins the Temporal Bureau at the age of seven linear years old. Recruited into the Department of Temporal Coherence, Bob chooses instead to go into Temporal Law Enforcement, knowing the dangers temporal criminals can pose to normal people. Bob has a solid career as a Bureau officer, only working towards his personal project—the survival of the human race—in his off hours. He is currently the species supervisor for the human race, and oversees temporal law enforcement on all planets and in all timelines in which humans reside. With the full support of his department, Bob works on several missions that aren’t entirely on the books, and some of these require undercover work. He is dating or fucking or sleeping with several iterations of a (usually) temporally locked human often named Calvin Tanner, which is not part of any of his missions and is purely because after all this time, Bob feels he deserves to have a fulfilling personal life in addition to his work life.

Notes:

• Bob has met older and younger versions of himself a dozen times, and most of them lived different lives than he did. All of them downloaded copies of their memories into Bob’s memory
• Bob’s parents do not know he works for the Temporal Bureau. They believe he is at home while they are at work
• Bob’s co-workers describe him as fully dedicated to his job, to the point of being standoffish. They also admit that he has chilled out a little lately and become a little easier to talk to
• Though many people say he’s suited to it, Bob doesn’t want to be captain of his department, and not just because the current captain means a lot to him
• Without his translation implant, Bob speaks English, French, Spanish, German, Kalaalisut, Cantonese, Arabic, Latin, Hebrew, Japanese, Urdu, Dutch, Daolo, Kyn, Nathnjek, Eesk, Skaja, Gronnde and Razth, and knows several types of sign and can understand draconic speech if not replicate it unaided. He also knows fifteen other languages spoken in non-human cultures
• Bob was trained by the current captain of the Department of Research, Dr. Rhonda Peregrine, with whom he still consults regularly. He was trained along side the rising star of the Department of Internal Security, Syber Python, with whom he still maintains a healthy and only slightly acrimonious rivalry that mostly involves Syber glaring at Bob in the hallways and/or spying on his every action, and Bob putting explosives in Syber’s workstation and/or pretending not to know him at public events
• Counting all the time he has lived in linear fashion, Bob is seven hundred and nine years old. This doesn’t account for the memories he has from other versions of himself
• Bob maintains a network of temporally-locked contacts across various timelines, and finds it very helpful in his investigations. He also has many contacts among time criminals both freelance and within the time mafia
• Bob first met Cal in the basement of an old building where they were both looking for the same displaced object. He’s pretty sure he fell in love with him by their second meeting
• Bob first met Giacomo shortly after the Earth’s destruction, when Giacomo grabbed onto him and made Bob pull him to a safer point in time. They’ve been working together to save the human race ever since
• In all verses he has visited, Bob has never found one where he exists

Quotes:

• “Bob. Roberto C. Johnson. But Bob, please.”
• “Maybe we should team up?”
• “Wait! This isn’t fair, I spent two weeks trying to get you to strip search me!”
• “Huh. Well that’s weird.”
• “An anal probe is the least efficient way to measure anyone’s physiology,”
• “Time is a lot more complicated than you’ve been led to believe.”
• “You can’t just lurk in bathrooms in the hopes that I’ll wander into them.”
• “Sorry, Captain.”
• “Everyone needs a butt-boy. We’re a valuable resource the universe over.”
• “I do like winning,”
• “My boyfriend dresses me. Something about me not having any taste.”
• “Rich people being horny is weird? Isn’t that one of the things they’re known for?”
• “I’m really into Doctor Who. Oh, and like, family history. You know, ancestry and stuff. And crows, I think crows are super cool.”
• “You need to ease people into the idea of treating you like an object.”
• “Is it okay if I call you Boss?”
• “Someone called me that once and I liked it.”
• “Can I be like a robot? Can robots be a thing?”
• “Are cargo shorts sexy?”
• “In the temporal locations in which I’m operating, naked handshakes are the preferred method of communication between…”
• “Of fucking course this idiot is going to see the most deadly temporal object in the universe and just fucking touch it.”
• “Usually we ask consent before penetrating someone, but sure.”
• “No, I’m getting hard sitting next to you.”
• “Temporal criminals don’t often log their activities with the Bureau in advance.”
• “Would it freak you out if I said I loved you?”
• “When you say it like that it makes me sound like a slut.”
• “I’ve met…a lot of versions of you. And I’ve loved all of them, Cal.”
• “Time isn’t solid. Sometimes it’s malleable. Sometimes it changes. Sometimes it splits in half.”
• “I’m sorry. I lied. I promised there wouldn’t be feelings. But I love you and I’m worried about you and I’m going to miss you.”
• “We’ll see each other again.”

Trivia:

• Most of Bob’s implants serve a practical purpose. Sometimes the practical purpose is making sure he doesn’t have to taste cilantro
• Bob is the third most well travelled human in the universe, and is mildly miffed by this because the two humans in first and second place are not time travellers
• Bob lost his virginity to himself on the same day he built his first time machine
• Bob carefully guards the secret of what his middle initial stands for. Even his Temporal Bureau file only has the initial
• Bob can choose his apparent age at will. He claims to have chosen his current age because his compact frame makes combat easier. It is actually because he picked the age when he thought he was the cutest
• Bob’s co-workers believe that he has only started having regular sex recently, but in fact he has been promiscuously sexually active his whole life, but until recently, only when he was off duty and never with co-workers
• After an extensive search that involved him conducting interviews with several divinities, Bob chose to worship a god named Lopp, who lives on a moon in gridpoint V and is primarily worshipped by the semisentient tumbleweeds that reside there with it. Bob feels that Lopp’s insistence on radical change to improve the world and the importance of flat surfaces speaks to his values. Since Bob can’t easily roll around and create tumbleweed sculpture for him, Lopp accommodates him by accepting worship in the form of sex
• Once on a mission to catch a smuggler, Bob accidentally became a member of a lighthouse maintenance guild, which still sends him junk mail constantly, despite seven hundred linear years having passed and the guild now representing maintenance workers for beacon devices for spacecraft
• Bob has had sex with members of ninety-four species at hundreds of points in time and across at least two dozen verses. His favourite sexual experiences have all been with Cal
• Bob has always found clothes baffling and liked that he could just wear his uniform all the time. He’s only recently started to learn how to dress for fashionable reasons

Case Dossier: As a lieutenant in the Department of Temporal Law Enforcement, Bob oversees a squad of officers dedicated to stamping out temporal crime, preferably before it can be committed. He has been on several different squads as he rose up the Bureau’s ranks and carried out over one thousand successful missions. As the supervisor for the human race and for the planets of Nova and Earth, Bob primarily works on those planets now, as well as in verses created around them. This is considered a particularly challenging caseload as humans as a species seem overly prone to temporal problems and notably, the presumed leader of the time mafia, Walter Adellman, is a human from Earth. The time mafia as a whole is handled by a specific task force, but Bob has unofficially taken on the case of hunting Adellman down. He is currently overseeing a case on Earth involving an attempt to summon an ω-class entity to the planet, on which he is working together with Michael Bloodcliff. Bob feels there is more to the case than he has been told, and is working some additional angles on it as well. He is also overseeing a series of expected temporal incursions on Nova’s northernmost continent and is prepared to intervene if necessary, having placed himself undercover in the necessary locale already. Bob’s squad is also handling a half dozen smuggling cases and two temporal kidnappings, which he is supervising. In his off time, Bob is working on saving the human race, which he feels is possible even if attempting to do so is forbidden by several temporal laws. Because he was briefly recruited into the Department of Temporal Coherence, Bob occasionally takes it upon himself to close paradoxes and time loops on his own without notifying the appropriate authorities. He is also on a permanent quest to find out who in the Department of Temporal Law Enforcement keeps adjusting his chair when he’s not there.