Friday Lore Post: Famous Dicks

Nova is a big world and large swaths of its population are in possession of dicks. It stands to reason, of course, that some of those dicks would be particularly notable. What follows is a list, in no particular order, of five of Nova’s most notable and well-known dicks, past and present.

The Calewrought Cock: The Calewrought Cock was passed down through the royal family of Dallarjon, House Nascre, for generations. The family and national myth was that the Cock had been bestowed upon them by a triad of angels who came to oversee the coronation of Octavia Nascre I, the first Nascre monarch. In reality, the Cock was an artefact that came into possession of one of Octavia’s ancestors, Oswald Noscar, after he defeated its former owner, a Jesperi general named Gorm Goateater, in single combat. The Cock was enchanted such that when it touched another dick, the person bearing the Cock could take mental control of that dick, allowing one to fling an enemy’s dick aside or turn it against them. The Cock was passed through the dynasty of House Nascre for a little over a thousand years before being lost by King Otto Nascre X in the Battle of the Day of Ice at the end of the Dolovai’s invasion of Dallarjon. The Dolovin army claimed the Cock and took it back to their capital as a trophy, but the dick House ven Sancte keeps in its vault to this day is an ordinary dick; the real Cock was scavenged by a Dolovin soldier named Dave Littlehand, who sold it for a silver coin. The Calewrought Cock has been sold back and forth for centuries until finally being sold to a scrap metal dealer some four hundred years ago. It was melted down with some other old dicks and turned into a collection of sex toys that are currently owned by Lord Roland Glakken of White Cape.

Emperor Angwyn’s Dick: Angwyn hei-Kelt was a ruler of the Empire of Yavhore at its height, coronated in SC 554/YE 398. His Dick was found at the peak of the Great Ziggurat in Tor Mekkel, the Imperial capital, after a lightning strike that fell from clear sky in the middle of a holy night honouring the death god Shal. The Dick was so large it needed wielding with two hands, though Angwyn is said to have held it in one. The Dick was black as night and was had the power to consume the souls of those it penetrated, growing sharper and longer with every person it claimed. When Angwyn died in bed, it was found atop his corpse, despite it having been in his armoury earlier in the night. It took five people to lift the Dick from the emperor’s body, and his heir, Aelwen, insisted that the Dick be buried with her father under the Great Ziggurat. Later grave robbers would claim that the Dick is no longer with Emperor Angwyn’s tomb. Replicas without the soul-consuming power of the real Dick are occasionally found on the black market, but the whereabouts of the real Dick are unknown.

The Dick of Farmer Dick: Farmer Dick is a Dolovin folk hero whose story is known to children across the nation. He was a farmer in what is now western Dolovai whose farm was beset by numerous threats, which he was forced to fight off with only the rusty dick he found buried next to his carrots. Over the course of the story, Farmer Dick fights off wolves, goblins, bears, bandits, necromancers, pirates, and finally demons with the Dick, and all his foes lament that they have chosen to attack a farmer with such a powerful dick. But the dick in question was noted to be somewhat small and not to have any particular magical or otherworldly powers. The moral of the story is that with a pure heart and good intentions, anyone, no matter the size and strength of their dick, can triumph over evil and greed. It is not clear that Farmer Dick was ever a real person or that his story is based on a true story, but either way Dick’s dick is famous throughout Dolovai to this day.

The Blue Cock: The Blue Cock is a mythical dick that appears in a number of Enjoni, Yavhorel and Dolovin legends and folk tales. It is a dick that was given to humans before the Catechism War, a magical dick that made anyone who used it invulnerable to all harm. The Blue Cock was said to be wielded by a number of different historical figures and mythological characters, and even makes an appearance in Catechism scripture, specifically in the Tellex Tevar, a collection of stories of angels and their human allies fighting demons in the earliest days of the world, where it is wielded by a pre-Catechism holy woman named Anne the Blue. Historians believe that stories of the Blue Cock likely came to Dolovai and Yavhore from Enjon during the Flame War, and that Catechism references to it are either mistranslations of scripture or the result of early travel between the landmasses that are now Dolovai and Enjon. The historical existence of the Blue Cock is debated, but no verifiable historical evidence of its existence can be found, and all stories about it are set in the mythic past, even those that feature real historical figures. Unbeknownst to most people, the Blue Cock was real, and was a dick owned by a god named Dasca Norel Ne’Neera and then taken by the spider who killed him, whose name was Landon. Landon went missing along with the rest of his team on a mission to the Empire of Djyekkan, and the Blue Cock has not been seen since.

The Snow Dick: The Snow Dick was forged from Yavhorel snow ore in the year YE 3092. It was made as a gift for the queen of N’Kar, Brisen hee-Minli, to celebrate her marriage to her husband Gildas. Reportedly, Queen Brisen and King Gildas liked the Snow Dick so much that it took them over ten years to conceive a child. Unbeknownst to them, the Snow Dick was imbued with a curse that allowed the person who’d made it, a wizard named Kian Whitelith, to listen in on any conversation that occurred in the room the Snow Dick was in. Kian attempted a coup against Queen Brisen and King Gildas and was able to spy on a considerable amount of their conversations about how to defeat him. Fortunately, Brisen and Gildas’s son Gwyn was also a magic-user and realized there was a spell on the Snow Dick when he stole it one night to use with his boyfriend Rhun. Brisen and Gildas were able to alter the spell on the Snow Dick so that Kian would feel every time it was used, and they allowed Gwyn and Rhun to use it one afternoon during a confrontation with Kian, who was eventually arrested and executed, unable to stand up and face the queen he’d tried to usurp. The Snow Dick has been passed down through House hee-Minli ever since, and the legend of it being used to defeat the evil wizard and would-be usurper has spread across Yavhore and also to the Imperial colonizers who have been moving into the region, and stories of it have been taken back to Aergyre and spread across the Empire as a curiosity of the colonies—which has also bolstered N’Kar’s economy as Imperial nobles put in orders for replicas to use on their own spouses. Rumours that all replica Snow Dicks are enchanted with a replica of Kian’s listening spell and that N’Kar’s School of Everlasting has a room dedicated to receiving the material from those spells are, of course, soundly refuted by all parties involved.

From “The Definitive Atlas of the World, Vol. 5: Histories and Mysteries,” by Pascal Tiberius Naoton Quimbell Haeverine anNatalie, published in White Cape in DN 1997, with thanks from the author to Emvel Degmen Denver of Ran Errevir for his editorial assistance.