Character Profile: Ned

Name: Edward Son of Eamon, Edward Eamons (Modern AU)

Aliases/AKAs: Ned, Cyprus Moose

Title(s): N/A

Hair Colour: Brown

Eye Colour: Blue

Height: 160 cm

Weight: 82 kg

Build: Stocky

Distinguishing Marks: Light freckles across his body, clawed hands and feet, overlarge eyes, the largest penis of any humanoid on Nova

Dick Size: Gargantuan

Relationships (Romantic and/or Sexual): Edgar son of Esther (brother/husband, deceased)

Family Relationships: Eamon son of Japser and Esther daughter of Earl (parents, deceased), The Spider Company (chosen family)

Sexuality: Gay

Preferred Positions: On his back with his knees on his shoulders; behind his partner

Kinks: Penetrative sex, anonymous sex

Orgies Attended: Unsanctioned Spider Company Orgies, The Golden Jubilee Incestuous Orgy, The Stag Keep Orgy

Bio: The oldest son of a stablemaster and a philosopher, Ned was born in the midst of the Catechism War, and grew up planning to work in a library, having noticed that no wars had ever been fought in libraries. Ned’s mother died of cancer when he was quite young, and he figured that from the library, he could help his brother Edgar study for his dream of becoming a doctor while also fulfilling his own dream of learning what was inside the sun. Ned and Edgar both started to develop magical powers around the same time they started to develop feelings for each other, and, at Edgar’s insistence, ended up joining a resistance force against the loyalist army that was going to invade their home city of Pandra’s Spire. This got them noticed by the Spider Company, who recruited them, transformed them, and made them soldiers in a war that could destroy the world. Ned and Edgar got married with their father’s blessing and managed to survive the war, but unfortunately, after the war had ended, Edgar was leading a routine mission to the Empire of Djyekkan and his whole team disappeared, leaving Ned alone. Ned has spent the years since stumbling his way from one duty to the next, mostly wishing he’d become a librarian after all. He was recently made a liaison between the Spider Company and a human named Sir Edwin the Stalwart, who has received a dangerous blessing that could reignite the Catechism War, which Ned would rather avoid.  


  • Ned’s magical abilities prior to becoming a spider would be classified as wizardry today; Edgar was a necromancer
  • Ned enjoyed and enjoys reading books, but wishes he could write them. He’s been trying to write books for his whole life and never written anything he thinks is good
  • Ned and Edgar hid their relationship from their father for about two weeks before Ned couldn’t keep it a secret anymore and told him. He was surprised that Eamon was happy for them, not because of the incest, which wasn’t taboo in Pandra’s Spire, but because he figured their father knew Edgar could do better
  • Ned often felt and feels out of place in the Spider Company, because unlike most of them, he didn’t have a traumatic history with the gods or anything; he just didn’t want the world to end
  • Ned tends to do a lot of grunt-level work for the demons; running errands and picking up artefacts and information, mostly
  • Ned and Edgar were married less than ten years after their transformations and, outside of a few orgies now and then, were monogamous
  • Ned has done the math and confirmed that proportionate to the rest of his body mass, he likely has the biggest dick in the world. He thinks this may have already been true even before his transformation made it bigger
  • Ned has always struggled to maintain friendships. Not because people don’t want to be friends with him, but because he starts to worry he’s bothering people by seeking out their company and tends to withdraw as a result
  • Ned has never forgiven himself for opting out of the mission Edgar went missing on
  • Unlike a lot of angels and demons, Ned hasn’t spent the years passing as human. He lives in an isolated cabin in the woods in southern Yavhore and grows all his own food, and only really interacts with the other spiders
  • Ned knows he’s supposed to keep an eye on Edwin, and he’s pretty sure it’s because Edwin’s sword could become a declaration of war, but mostly he just finds himself wanting to be friends with Edwin, who he thinks is really nice


  • “The kid has a point.”
  • “Rude. I’m harmful. I’m a demon.”
  • “He seemed pretty nice, and all. But there is the whole murder thing. Also Cameron attacked him and his friend and neither of them died, so that’s probably bad.”
  • “I’m just waiting for the right moment! I can’t just pop into his life and say ‘hey, I’m here to keep an eye on you because it seems like someone who hates us gave you that sword and they’re not owning up to it.’”
  • “Sorry, I feel so bad. I actually meant to appear over there, but I misjudged where you were and forgot that the world is round, and…hi.”
  • “Even in the bathtub? Seems like it would rust. Sorry. I didn’t come here to talk about your sword. Well, I kind of did, but not like that. I actually came here to watch you use your sword. Wait. Not like that. I came to watch you in general. Which also sounds weird, shit. I mean…sorry. What I mean is that my bosses want someone to keep an eye on you because we don’t know who gave you that sword and they thought I’d be well suited to it since we developed a rapport in the Citadel.”
  • “I’m not really a security risk.”
  • “Hey, I’m not here to be your servant, I’m here to spy on you as part of a super serious mission.”
  • “Hi. I’m sorry to intrude. But you did say I could follow you and then you made it kind of hard to follow you. You teleport around a lot, did you know that?”
  • “I’m not shy, I just know I’m weird.”
  • “Actually. I am. A brotherfucker, I mean.”
  • “It’s hard to explain what it’s like to just always know that if you screw up, everyone will die.”
  • “I appreciate that, it’s very kind of you to say. But if Edgar were alive he’d have come back by now.”
  • “I know a spell that can rearrange someone’s insides to make it safe for me to fuck them. You, uh. Are about to ask me to do it on you, aren’t you?”
  • “Big expectations are overwhelming sometimes.”


  • Ned has been able to see through walls, clothes and people at will since he was young; it was the first magical ability he manifested. He has foiled a number of assassination attempts with this ability
  • Ned was smaller and weaker than Edgar, but knew he was the big brother because he felt he was the responsible one, even though Edgar was the one who made him feel better about everything
  • Ned’s first sexual experience was some innocent exploratory touching with Edgar, mostly based in the two of them wondering why they were so much bigger than all their friends. A year later they started dating
  • Ned is still nominally in charge of the Spider Company’s group that’s investigating the Djyekkan question. But there’s been no new information for thousands of years, so there’s not much to investigate
  • Ned’s dick is immune to shapeshifting magic, and always retains its size no matter what Ned does to it or the rest of his body
  • Ned and Edgar worked together before they were spiders to create a spell to let them have penetrative sex with each other. Since Edgar died, Ned has used it with other people, but has struggled to find a partner who’s interested and mostly just bottoms to make things easier
  • Ned has tried a variety of ways of fitting his dick in his clothes, including snaking it down his leg, wrapping it around his waist, tucking it inside his asshole, hiding it in a portal, and wearing voluminous padded robes. The modified smallclothes he’s invented are the best way to deal with it that he’s found so far
  • Despite what people think, Ned isn’t sad and scared all the time, only when he’s around his co-workers
  • For about five hundred years after Edgar died, Ned refused to have sex with anyone else because it felt like cheating. Since then, he’s accepted that Edgar is dead and he needs to move on. He’s still not extremely sexually active, which is just because he’s rarely comfortable taking his dick out in front of new people, but he’s had a number of short-term partners
  • Ned was once talking a walk through Yavhore’s Noelin Plains when he saw a man apparently doing construction on the sky. The man identified himself as Dane, told Ned there was nothing to worry about, and left. Ned never saw him again

Modern AU: Modern Ned is a librarian who accidentally ended up in charge of a large public library despite not really being qualified for it, but he’s done a good job maintaining it and his efforts to do community outreach have not gone unnoticed in the community at large. Ned was hit hard by his brother and husband’s disappearance, and after many years, has found himself with no choice but to assume Edgar is dead and try to move on. He occupies his time ordering new books for the library, trying to secure funding from the government, and trying to convince people to only have sex in the quieter parts of the library. When he’s not at work, Ned writes a series of unpublishable novels about a futuristic space empire full of magic and dragons. He also watches a lot of musicals, keeps up with advances in robotics, and occasionally fails to do yoga.

6 thoughts on “Character Profile: Ned

  1. Disappeared on a mission to Djyekkan, hm? Clearly, Edgar is a) still alive, and b) at least partly responsible for the barrier around Djyekkan.


    1. What? No, that doesn’t seem like something that would happen in a story! Surely if we were told he died without ever seeing his body he must have really died! Especially since a mysterious barrier went up around the continent he died on at the same time! Especially since his husband had to go on an emotional journey to accept his death and move on!


      Thanks! 😀


  2. ” including snaking it down his leg, wrapping it around his waist, tucking it inside his asshole”

    Just how long and large is his dick if he can wrap it around his waist. Have there been larger dicks in history or is Ned the weilder of the biggest dick in all of the world’s existance?


    1. Ned does indeed have the biggest dick in the history of Nova. It’s pretty massive and though wrapping it around his waist wasn’t comfortable (it’s also very thick), it was doable for him. 😀



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