I like Pit because he’s just like me!
Kid Icarus: Uprising is a 3DS game that came out ten years ago! You might be wondering why I’m reviewing a game that’s super old, but it’s because it’s still really fun and you should play it if you haven’t!
This review is going to have spoilers for Kid Icarus: Uprising, but they won’t spoil anything for real! The game will still be super fun, you’ll just know the ending!
The plot of Kid Icarus: Uprising is really easy to understand. You play as Pit, an angel who works for the goddess Palutena, and you help her fight her evil sister Medusa—or so you think! It turns out Medusa is actually just a zombie who got resurrected by Hades, who’s the actual final boss, but along the way a bunch of people pick fights with Palutena, like the goddess of nature and some space aliens, and you have to fight them too! Then Palutena gets possessed by a moon scorpion and turns evil, so you have to fight her, and then you have to rescue her, and then you have to rescue Pit because he catches fire, and then you have to get a giant robot and blow Hades up with it!
Almost all the levels in the game have three parts. First you fly for a while and you have to shoot all the enemies while you get to the main level. Pit can only fly for five minutes because Palutena’s flying powers suck, so after the five minutes are up, you land and have to go through the big part of the level. Pit can’t jump but he can walk and run and use a million different weapons, and he blasts through all the levels and kills everything! Sometimes you get items like bombs or tanks and stuff to help you along. Then at the end of the level, there’s always a boss you have to fight! Some of the levels are a little bit different, like the one where you’re being Pit’s mean clone Dark Pit and you just fly for the whole level because he sucked a goddess called Pandora into his wings, or the level where Pit is a ring so he possesses a guy named Magnus and you do the flying part after, but that’s how most of the game works!
The different weapons that Pit can use change how you do stuff because like, if you have a club on it makes you slow, or you can put a cannon on and shoot really far! Or you can have claws and have to fight guys up close! Those are my favourite because you get to go around punching everyone! But I also like the sword, because it’s not really a sword, it’s actually a gunsword, so sometimes it’s a sword but sometimes it’s a gun! Lots of people complained about the controls when this game came out because you have to aim with the stylus on the touchscreen and shoot with the L button and stuff, but it’s not hard to get used to, it’s just different from other games. Sometimes if you play for a long time your hands might start to get cramped, but that’s when you take a break to do something else! I have small hands and I could play it without any trouble, so I think grown-ups who have grown-up-ass hands should stop complaining!
The best part of the game is the dialogue. Pit and Palutena spend the whole game talking to each other (except for the part where Palutena is possessed and dead and the part where Pit is dead, but that’s only like four levels and then they both come back), and it’s really funny! They make a lot of funny jokes and have fun banter and the people writing the game did a super good job! The original Kid Icarus games are like a million years old and are from the time in video games when all games were made from two pixels and there were no characters or dialogue because nobody had enough graphics for that, so they could pretty much do whatever they wanted when they made the characters in this game and they did a great job! Later in the game the other characters start to talk to Pit and Palutena too, and it gets even more fun! Hades is really mean but he’s still funny, and the goddess of nature is too, but she becomes good later.
Pit is really relatable because he’s just like me! He’s a kid who everyone keeps telling to do stuff, but mostly he doesn’t really understand what everyone is talking about all the time and just does what he’s told because Palutena is smarter than him. He says a lot of smart things though, like when he says that hospitals are named after him because they have Pit in them! It’s true and I never knew that about hospitals, it’s so cool that the Kid Icarus games were so important in the history of human culture!
The game was directed by Masahiro Sakurai, the same director who made Kirby and also Super Smash Bros, which is really funny because in Super Smash Bros. Brawl Pit was a playable character, and he was so popular that they made Kid Icarus: Uprising, which was so popular that in Super Smash Bros for 3DS and WiiU they made Palutena and Dark Pit playable characters too! Dark Pit started out as just Pit with black clothes in Brawl but everyone liked him and wanted him to fuck Pit because he was edgy so they made him a real character so he could! I think that’s super funny. I like him a lot in Kid Icarus: Uprising, because he’s like Pit but he has a deeper voice, and it kind of reminds me of the time I thought I had an evil twin, but it turned out it was just Nuka in a hat.
At the end of the game Hades says that there’ll be another game in twenty-five more years. I hope it’s less time than that! Even if this game came out ten years ago, twenty-five years is still a long time, I think! I’ll be a grown-up by then! But it gives everyone lots of time to play this one!
I’ve played a lot of video games and this one is one of my very favourites, and I think it’s the best game that was ever on the 3DS! So you should play it too!
How Best to Use a Sword 