Friday Lore Post: “How Best to Squish an Entity ω-6:” Transcript of a Conference Paper

This whole conference, all we’ve heard is people—if we really want to call them all that—laying out theories about ω-6’s weaknesses, suggestions for potential weapons to use on it, hypotheses for what it might want, and evacuation plans for how to get away from it. It’s honestly been a lot of bet-hedging cower-plays disguised as intelligent thought, and honestly that’s not surprising. You’re all scared of ω-6 and you should be. It’s the most terrifying, omnipresent existential threat to the conventional universe that will ever exist, and it’s literally coming to eat all of your loved ones right now.

But I’m here to tell you how to kill it. Not banish it, not slow it down, not deter it, not escape from it. How to actually, definitively kill the cosmic manifestation of the concept of hunger, completely wiping it out from the universe forever and putting and end to the threat it poses. After you’re done hearing, smelling, exudating, or however else you take in external stimuli this paper, you will know definitely, completely and without fail, how to kill the creature we like to call entity ω-6 in five easy steps.

First, ω-6 exists entirely in the conventional universe. No part of it remains in the realm from which the alien entities come. This means that no additional extradimensional nonsense is necessary to kill it. It also means that before you do anything else, you need to prevent it from going home. If even one of its squirmy little bodies can get back to its realm, it’ll regrow and come back hungrier than ever. Portals to the other universe are hard to track down, but they’re not as hard to close as we think. No portals have ever opened on a planet that had greater than one part per billion of radiation type 61, commonly called Xega radiation. Xega radiation at that level is harmless to ninety percent of species and is easily created, channeled and controlled. Some species can even do it on their own. Planet X9-87#2 has such inhabitants and they’ve managed to channel Xega radiation into a metaphysical structure that functions as a lock on its main portal. Study that planet, because that concept can be taken galactic. A galactic web-lock made of Xega radiation would close all portals permanently, which would obviously be helpful not only against ω-6, but also against the other ω-class entities, who you can tell are less scary because there’s no conference about them.

Second, after we’ve Xega-locked the whole universe, you need to get a specimen of ω-6. This is literally the easiest thing in creation to do. They’re everywhere. They’re not that big singularly. They’re not that dangerous singularly either. Lots of people at this conference have pointed out that you can just squish them one at a time, and you can. But you don’t need to do that. Get one and put it in a terrarium. Give it some sticks and rats to eat—no offence to all the Roffel in the audience, obviously I don’t mean sentient sticks—and a heat lamp or something. It doesn’t really matter. It just has to stay alive, which it will because it’s fucking immortal.

Third, end all hunger galactically. This part is really important. Someone needs to invent a matter synthesizer, a protein capsule, nutrient injection, anything to make sure that all creatures in the conventional universe are literally never hungry again. I personally suggest aerosol gene therapy that will infuse all planetary atmospheres with the nutrients their life forms need to survive combined with altering the genomic structure of those inhabitants to take in nutrients from the atmosphere. This will make sure that nobody is ever hungry again literally anywhere ever. ω-6 is a literal manifestation of hunger. Ending hunger won’t kill it, but it will weaken it, and it will sap its will to live a lot. If nobody’s hungry, it’s going to get bored and try to leave. This will be when it notices that it can’t leave, and it will start to freak out and eat planets and stuff. Don’t worry, they’re just planets, we can get more.

Fourth, build a psiometric relay powerful enough to broadcast to the whole universe at once. This will probably take the energy of a few hundred suns, but we have a lot of those too and most of them aren’t even useful. ω-6 is simultaneously mentally present in all its bodies at once. Killing one body doesn’t hurt the other bodies. But you take that terrarium and you stick it in that relay and you turn the heat way the fuck down. Like, cold as shit. Absolute zero shit. ω-6 hates the cold. Freeze that one solid and broadcast its shivery suffering across the whole universe, and they’ll all fucking freeze to death at once. No joke, they just will. Please note that this will also kill all its hosts. They were already dead, so try not to feel bad about that.

Fifth and finally, thoroughly sweep everywhere in the universe with transphasic scanners set to frequency 87203.332-2. This will accurately detect the location of ω-6’s eggs without fail. It has the ability to protect its eggs even in the event of the total destruction of the rest of itself by masking their power. This way they can hatch later if they end up inside a body. Ideally that won’t happen since nothing will have any reason to eat them. But you never know, and it literally only takes one hatching for them all to come back. Scan everywhere, because trust me, after it’s been destroyed, you’re still going to find its eggs all over. Get the eggs and squish them.

Once the last egg is squished, we’re done. ω-6 is no more and the universe is safe to be destroyed by a different, less important and less powerful ω-class entity. Notable drawbacks of my plan include the fact that we’ll have to end agriculture subsidies everywhere, and also agriculture, and vegans won’t be morally superior to anyone anymore. Also an estimated twenty percent of the universe will be destroyed as collateral damage from the radiation, psionic bursts and ensuing warfare. Oh, and we’ll have to renumber the other known ω-class entities, which will be annoying and confusing.

In summary, destroying ω-6 isn’t that big a deal if you’re not a coward. If we follow my plan, it can be dead within ten cycles and we’ll never have to think about it again. I go into a lot more detail in my book, “How Best to Squish an Entity ω-6,” which is forthcoming from Betelgeuse Press. I’ll take questions now. Hey, where are you all going? I know it’s almost lunchtime, but we must have a few minutes, right? Right? Guys?

Paper presented by Dr. Bandene O’Definitelynotscott, University of Southern Bug, Sextiveria