—
“Cassius Heng, this is the tackiest shit I’ve ever seen.”
“Liar,” Cassius said, crossing his arms. “I’ve seen your family’s portrait hall.” He was halfway through the achievement of fucking Giacomo in front of a portrait of every one of his relatives. His great-grandfather Garth had been kinda hot.
“Hm,” said Giacomo, crossing his arms and looking at the Pedomobile 2000. “No, this is worse. Why would you get this?”
“It’s a prize,” Cassius explained. “I fucked my one thousandth kid a while ago.”
“Oh, congratulations!” said Giacomo, taking Cassius’s hand and kissing it. “You should have said. I’ll throw you a party, see if we can jumpstart you getting to two thousand. But that doesn’t explain why you need a gold-plated pedo-van.”
“It’s a status symbol, fuckwit,” Cassius told him. Giacomo was rich, he should understand this. “So everyone knows I’m the best kidfucker in town.”
“Do you actually want people to…”
“Come on, let me show it to you,” Cassius said, dragging Giacomo over to the Pedomobile 2000 and pulling open the side door, revealing the interior in all its glory. The shag carpeting, plush settee, in warm colours. Next to it the shelf, maybe stolen from an ambulance, full of drugs and toys and date rape drugs and other sexy shit. There were manacles on the wall, a camera on the ceiling, the works.
“Cassius, why is this a thing?” Giacomo demanded, shaking his head. “This is so…”
“No, you haven’t seen the best part,” Cassius insisted, hitting the lights. A disco ball fell from the ceiling, bathing the whole place in ambient purples and blues, perfect for fucking a grade schooler.
“Uh. Yeah, that’s definitely the best part,” Giacomo agreed. “How much money did you spend on this, and is it refundable?”
“More than I wanted to,” Cassius admitted. “Tried to get that guy who pimps rides to do it—not that guy, the new guy, the one who’s a kidfucker—but I gave him a kid as payment and then he ghosted me.”
“Douchebag,” Giacomo said, as Cassius pulled the door shut.
“Yeah, some pedos get too big and forget about those of us less famous. It’s a stain on pedoculture, honestly.”
“There’s such a thing as pedoculture?” Cassius watched Giacomo wince as he said it.
Cassius grinned, taking a breath as he walked Giacomo around the back of the Pedomobile 2000. “Of course. That’s a whole lecture in and of itself, so I’ll start with the basics in the back of the…hey! Stop that!” Giacomo was banging his head against the side of the van.
“I think we should see other people,” Giacomo said, as Cassius pulled him away by the collar.
Cassius ignored him and buffed out the discolouration his skin and hair had left in the van. Was that a small dent? If it was a dent Cassius was renting Giacomo’s ass to a horse breeder to pay for it. Which reminded him, he should probably bring up that he’d technically used Giacomo’s ass as collateral for one of his loans. He’d be able to pay back the loan, probably. “The inside is for banging. The outside of the Pedomobile 2000 is for admiring, you little shit.”
“The Pedomobile two thousand,” Giacomo repeated, wrongly.
“You have two say the numeral or it doesn’t count. Now pay attention, this is the best part.”
“You already said…”
“The part that’s going to make you shut the fuck up and admit that I’m the best kidfucker you know,” Cassius said, stopping at the back doors. “I rigged the back doors to some speakers so they’d play my kidfucking anthem when I open them, to set the right mood.” He opened the doors. The song started playing.
It was the wrong song. “Wait, what the fuck?”
Giacomo was laughing so hard his ass literally hit the pavement. “Your kidfucking anthem is Celine Dion’s cover of I Drove All Night?”
“No, no, it was…fucking Claudius must have fucked up the…”
Giacomo was still laughing. “I think you should keep it. It suits the rest of the van’s theme.”
Cassius glared. This had been supposed to be the part where Giacomo realized he was wrong and Cassius was right and gotten down and sucked Cassius’s dick in apology for being so mean.
Oh well. Giacomo would just have to be taught the value of the Pedomobile 2000. Cassius picked him up and tossed him inside. “Hey, no way, I’m not fucking you in this monstrosity!”
Cassius hadn’t gotten his dick inside a thousand kids by caring when they said no, so he christened the new van exactly the right way, and he made Giacomo see the light. Once he remembered to put the disco ball back on.
—
How Best to Use a Sword 