—
“I don’t think these are blackberries,” Todd muttered.
“Eat one,” Sam suggested.
“They’re probably poisonous.”
“That’s why I’m telling you to eat one, dumbass,” Sam said, sighing.
“Fuck that. I’m going to go make Levi do it.” Todd got up and wandered away, mercifully leaving Sam alone for two seconds. The woods smelled funny and had stupid noises in them like birds and whatever, and Henry had insisted that they come out here to the middle of nowhere to go blackberry picking but they weren’t even committing crimes even though there was nobody around, and Sam thought that was very stupid. He did like blackberries, though.
He heard footsteps stomping up towards him from the direction of some trees as he picked another berry and tossed it in the bucket. “We have to stop for lunch soon or someone’s going to die,” Sam said to Henry.
Henry didn’t answer. “Also, it’s possible someone is going to die anyway, I think Todd is force feeding Levi hemlock or something. I like Levi more than Todd, so if it actually is poisonous, we should…
A grunt sounded from way above him, and Sam frowned. Henry wasn’t that tall. “Sam?”
That was Henry, coming from way behind him. “Who the fuck are you?” Sam demanded.
“Holy fuck,” Levi’s voice said, also behind Sam. “It’s bigfoot.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Sam told him. “Bigfoot isn’t fucking real.”
“But…he’s right in front of you.”
Sam sighed, reached out, and touched a hairy leg that was too thick to be human. “Oh.” The creature grunted again. Sam stood. “What the fuck do you want?” He was mildly annoyed that bigfoot had turned out to be real.
“There are more of them,” Derek muttered, closer to Sam than the others. “They seem pretty harmless.”
“Lots of things seem harmless. Todd, come here and open negotiations.”
“What? How?”
“The same way you always open negotiations. Take your pants off and bend over. We’ll try to establish common ground with them.”
“They’re huge! They’ll rip me in half.”
“That’s why you’re doing it instead of someone I like. Come on.”
“Ugh,” Todd complained, but he came over and started unbuckling his belt. Sam stepped back and let him make overtures, waiting to find out how this would go.
“Hey, uh,” said Levi. “What about the other bigfoots?”
“Bigfeet,” Henry corrected.
“Could be bigsfoot,” said Derek, because he was annoying.
“Yeah whatever, they’re kind of like, advancing and they kind of like, outnumber us?” Levi asked. “And they kind of seem pretty interested in what Todd’s doing?”
“Hm,” said Henry. “Shit.”
“Dammit,” Sam muttered, as the bigfeet surrounded them. They ended up having to extend their blackberry picking trip for several days while they negotiated with the locals.
—
How Best to Use a Sword 